Sunday, July 31, 2005

O sweet, merciful Poseidon, thank you for this majestic bounty, you piece of shit worthless sea god.

Paid 50 bucks a head to go out and try some deep sea fishing.

Out of a group of ten, none of us caught anything even worth hauling aboard. Only one of us even caught something that could truly be considered a fish.

Not that I considered myself to be some great fisherman; I would have been happy to walk away with one of those stereotypical comical catches, like a moldy rubber boot, or a wad of compressed seaweed that I could have held above my head in mock triumph.

I couldn't even catch other people's lines by mistake. I sucked out loud.

So I did what - I assume - any down on his luck fisherman would do when presented with this situation. I drank beer and listened to ACDC. And not even good ACDC...and that's saying something.

By the end of the trip, so depressed from not enhancing my manhood with a glut of ruggedly caught fish and from listening to new ACDC (also known as bad ACDC), I started inserting the barbed hooks into my skin just to feel alive.

Just kidding; I'm really just a clumsy drunk.

Plus, when I thought no one was looking, I decided to test out a theory by putting a booger on the hook. Turns out that it doesn't really help matters - and that the group of young conservatives who joined us in the boat will make really funny faces if they see you drunkenly trying to skewer a large booger (which you've just picked in front of them) onto a fishing hook.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

If I could do something about the stink, don't you think I would?

Man, I should just not be allowed to wear sandals.

As I write this, my sandals are out on the patio (much to the detriment of our neighbours) and my feet are being swaddled with various ointments and alcohols. So much so in fact, that I am slightly dizzy...but not from the alcohol.

You see, my foot stench has reached critical mass; I define this as the point when the smell can cause momentary loss of consciousness in the elderly and infirm, combined with when my girlfriend doesn't find it funny anymore.

So here I sit, alcohol burning off the top several layers of hard stinky foot shell until it reaches my candy center.

Yes, indeed; I should not be allowed to wear sandals.

But I hate washing socks SOOO much.

"Did you cover the angle of your future?"

I just made an expensive upgrade to my home computer and I told my girlfriend about it.

"Hey babe, I just upgraded the computer."


"Relax, it needed it."

"I don't know how you can spent that much money all in one day!"

"I wouldn't have bought it if it would have put me into a financial crunch, don't worry. I'm covering all the angles."

At this point, she turned to me and dead-panned the title of this post.

She said something that was at the same time so profound and yet so hilarious that I have no choice but to just shake my head and accept her point. She was right.

Hmm...I guess I didn't cover the angle of my future. Thank you.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

And in 9 months we can celebrate the day you were no longer a parasitic organism!

If life begins at conception, how come people don't celebrate that day instead?

Would you have to get presents for your parents? Some sexy little outfits perhaps? Would you have the broken condom bronzed? Would there be a re-enactment? What would you write on the card?

Congratulations on your parents doing it?

Way to be born?

Daddy's little squirt?

The consequences are mindboggling (boggle, boggle, boggle).

PS Have you heard about the new TV show coming out this fall called Inconceivable about a fertility clinic? I could name about 22 reasons why this will suck terribly, but it would hurt my balls to do so.

Suffice to say, creating a television series about a mildly unfunny pun is never a good idea. The first season will climax (Har!) with the doctor having to choose between the life of the mother...or the life of the baby. Unfortunately, that is also how the other 23 episodes will end.

Plus, American Dad is grotesque.

For the first time ever in its entirety, here is the complete transcript of Seth Macfarlane's fateful pitch for American Dad:

"So, its like Family Guy right."

"I'm listening..."

"But so bad that it actually makes you hate Family Guy retroactively!"

"Great! Let's go with it! That'll really piss off those Futurama fans!"

"Terrific! I'll get to work you jacking it?"

"A little."

The more things change...

Congratulations to Sean on recently getting Snowball II to replace the dearly departed* Snowball I.

With this, life gets this much closer towards resembling a sitcom where everything goes back to the way things were at the beginning of the episode.

Then, in a horror of horrors, he goes and screws it all up by introducing fundamental change into my sweet monotony of continuance.

He gets his license.

Plus, he and this girl are totally gay for each other and get engaged.

This throws my whole existence into question; does this mean I don't have to drive him home from coffee anymore? Does this mean that the number of traffic related fatalities is about to follow a savage trend upwards? Does this mean that I have to buy them a present?

Stay tuned for the answers to these** and many more questions?***

*Or should I say queerly departed?!! No, I should not. It is disrespectful.

**Probably not; Hopefully not; Definitely yes.

***How come bread goes moldy so fast in my apartment? Am I the only one who thinks that bread should last longer than, like, 5 days? I can only eat so many baloney sandwiches; I'm only one man. One man who just ate a shitload of moldy baloney sandwiches.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

"I need these as soon as possible..."

Having been asked by my boss to come up with some clever little 5 to 15 second announcements for a recent monster truck promotion, I set to work coming up with them. What follows is the transcribed account of my extraordinarily quick descent from bored to snarky to nutter-butters.

Most names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Several of these announcements were used at the event, try and guess which ones (Here's a hint: Not the one about yo mama).

Announcer: ------------- asks, what would Monster Trucks be without the big tires… Probably about 6 feet closer to the ground! --------------, Your -------------- Dealership, is proud to be the sponsor of the USHRA Monster Jam.

Announcer: -------------- wishes to remind you of our excellent 24 hour road service. Just in case you happen to drive over anything… like a Volkswagen.

Announcer: Every year they are reduced to blackened rusted heaps, with nothing but the smell of burnt fuel to remind us of their previous years use. Is that really anyway to treat your BBQ tools? While supplies last, ------------ and -------------- are giving out 21 piece stainless steel BBQ sets with the purchase of any 4 Tires.

Announcer: -------------- wishes to remind the audience that even though their tires may be a little smaller, they don’t feel the need to make up for it with a huge truck.

Announcer: ----------- wishes to remind the audience of the old adage, if it’s too loud, you’re too old. Then we wish to take a nap and have some pudding.

Announcer: ----------------- is proud to bring Monster Trucks to Nova Scotia. Unless we found out that they were real monsters. Then we would be sad.

Announcer: -------------- is proud to present the opposite of what we strive to uphold; vehicles running over one another until one is left crushed and mangled.

Announcer: ------------- does not condone the use of larger vehicles to run over smaller vehicles, but does admit that it looks pretty cool.

Announcer: -------------- is proud to present the majestic Monster Truck Rally: A brutal stinking crushing allegory for modern life.

Announcer: --------------- is proud to be all up in the USHRA Monster Jams face as its presenting sponsor. Boo Yeah!

Announcer: --------------- is proud to present sound and fury, signifying nothing; with apologies to Shakespeare.

Announcer: --------------- is proud to stick a hot lead pipe of entertainment up your ass, then to cruelly suggest that you enjoy it.

Announcer: --------------- is proud to present an event so loud that the airplanes taking off might call up and complain! Fucking Airplanes.

Announcer: ---------------- is proud to announce an event so hot that you might want to just step away and let it cool down for a little bit. I said let it cool down! See? Now that’s why you burnt the inside of your mouth.

Announcer: ----------- is proud to present an event so huge it makes your fat momma look like one skinny bitch.

Announcer: ------------ is proud to present something that will haunt your dreams from now until the day that you die.

Announcer: ------------ is proud to present the greatest evil the world has ever known…then to just walk away, sobbing sadly.

Announcer: ------------- is proud to present the epitome of human grace, perseverance, and spirit: Monster Trucks.

Announcer: -------------- is happy to present a slightly overcast day with an 80% chance of awesomeness! Whooo! Snap.

Announcer: -------------- is proud to present these two sexy bitches wrestling! Shit… Whaddya’ mean there’s no bitches? The fuck you wake me up for?

Announcer: I’m afraid I don’t have any paper for this sponsor. Rest assured, they must the best at whatever line of work it is that they do. Huh? -------------? Oh…they suck.

Energy drinks make my poo green and funny (Kiss me, I'm Irish!).

Honestly, I have no idea what else could have done it.

Seriously, it looked like that gross part of the lobster* that everyone says that you are supposed to eat but no one ever does, except my dad (Mmm...Green Shit!). I think that the eye stalks should have been a dead giveaway that we were not supposed to eat those things. Why the hell would people decide that enormous walking insects would be a delicacy anyway? If I squished a hundred mosquito's into a piece of bread, all I would have is a supremely pumped up sense of accomplishment at being able to catch 100 mosquitos (And a slice of bread! Kick-Ass!). Plus, I might be able to eat the bread rather than being subjected to another one of those vile energy drinks that I love so much.

Do you know those experiments we used to do in Junior High (Don't say "We did it in Elementary...", You self righteous prick! We waited to learn until grade 7 and we were damn happy to) where you took a chicken bone or the fat kid's tooth and put it in soda until it got all bendy (in the case of the bone) or drank all the soda (in the case of the fat kid's tooth). Ha ha! Just kidding, the tooth disappeared (just like the fat kid's self esteem!).

Energy drinks remind of those experiments. Except instead of a chicken bone or my tooth dissolving (I was husky, and kids can be so mean), it is as though it is eroding my very soul.

Which I totally don't need, cause I've already got this thing going on right now with green poop.

*Actually called the tomalley, this is the green coloured liver of the lobster. The origin of the phrase "Hot Tomalley" actually can place its origin here. Notably, because no one can eat something that looks like green shit and not throw up, and, to complete the joke, Tomalley puke is awesome (Awesome can mean hot! Losers.).

Woman, I'll stab who I want to stab!

So I'm playing Grand Theft Auto, right? And I'm stabbing all my homies in the neck.

It's so awesome. The smooth animation of creeping silently up behind them, inserting the blade into the side of their neck, and deftly twisting the blade in order to guarantee the maximum amount of viscera. That level of sadism wasn't necessary, but it was appreciated.

I'd walk up all cool-like and they were all like, "Yo, what up, G?"

Then I was all like, STAB, STAB, LAUGH, STAB.

My girlfriend would glance over every so often from her Spider Solitaire to look at me with disgust.

This went on for an hour.

I didn't bother trying to do any missions; I was just here for the stabbing.

Eventually, an ambulance came when I started just slashing around willy-nilly into crowds, sending wounded prostitutes staggering into the street.

The ambulance driver left the ambulance and approached an injured man on the ground. Erin turned to look at me.

She asked in her sweetest, most innocent, almost trembling, voice "Can you kill that guy?"

I nodded, busily stabbing ho's.

She paused and looked directly at the screen, her voice becoming flat and cruel.

"Kill him then...with your bare hands."

Man, my girlfriend so crazy.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I just don't want to talk to anyone anymore, and that includes you. Jerk.

It's Video Game Week!!!

This is a kind of bimonthly event where I feel the need to detach from society and play videogames until Poul just can't handle it anymore and comes over with coffee and MacDonald's and Kyle and then Poul yells at me and takes his shirt off and then falls asleep on my sofa.

The question for this week is "What the dilly, yo?!" (also "I wonder which game I should get?")

First up, the major contenders:

Metal Arms
Cool, metal arms! Maybe I can give someone the bionic elbow! Wait a sec...Is he dead? Or is he just a crappy date?*

It looks pretty terrible, but it has pirates, so its got that goin' on.

I like this game so much, I have been refusing to beat it just so that I can keep playing with it!*

Fooling around on the internet
See comments above or below.

Half-Life 2
I already beat it once. I'd better give it a little time until I try it again. Can hardly wait though!

NHL Eastside Hockey Manager
It is because of this game that I have to get another game in order to relax. Besides, Hockey's back, Bitches!!

Eating Fudgsicles and looking longingly at the elliptical trainer
Not exactly a game, but always an option. Popular option too!

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
I am way too lazy for a game that lets me do anything. Sure, I can have simulated sex with a prostitute, but I could do that next door if I wanted to.**

Watch TV then get bored and do nothing
Ding Ding Ding!!!! We have a winner!

*Actual wrestling signs created by people I know:
"My Cat's breath smells like Hulk Hogan"
"Funaki gave me SARS"
"I went out with Lex Lueger and all I got was dead"

**Nice people.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Path of the Righteous Man is Beset on all sides by the Inequities of the Selfish and the Stink of Dead Skunks.

Way before God created Jesus, and Jesus created the wheel, mankind had to use their legs like a sucker. This led to sore legs and a Jesus who was too tired to run away from those guys that killed him. Thus, Christians invented cars, looked back upon their work, and said, "That's totally Jesus" (An archaic slang for good).

Then last weekend came the fruition of two millenia of struggle, our entry into the promised land*.

Despite several unfortunate setbacks (Pee break #1, Pee break #2, and , wait for it..., Pee Break #3), we made it to the cottage in record time**. A great time was had by all, and I may have broken my own personal record of most beer drank while at the cottage, sitting in the sun, and reading Watchmen***.

The weekend was full of so many great moments it is hard to recount them all in such a short space, so I'll start a new sentence. Who can forget Brian taking forever to read a book, Sean sleeping on the couch, Kyle watching television, Brett getting poo on his sneakers, or Poul doing his hilarious rendition of history's saddest little hobo, Red Skelton, for two whole days!! Awesome.

I hope to see everyone at the next cottage party, if only to see how large Brian's belly has gotten in the duration and to see if it has sprouted a little man, ala Quarto from Total Recall****. So in conclusion, don't touch my stuff*****.


**The record of being closest to exactly how long it took us to get there (without going over).

***I forget, I was drunk.

****Remember that guy? He asked Arnold to open up his mind to him? He was all sweaty and had little pits of hair on him? Waved around these tiny little arms? Looked like Brett? Nothing? Wait...Have you even watched Total Recall? Cause you should.

***** Oooh! 5 Stars!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Mmm...that new car smell. Like someone just set fire to a pile of my money.

Just got a new car.

This new (to me) 2004 Sunfire will be getting put through its paces this weekend as I travel to the mysterious island of Cape Breton, where I am hoping that through hijinks and zany action sequences we will develop a long enduring love for one another.

Cause you don't wanna see what that happened to my old car (that bitch!).

Blogging will be light, and by light, I mean non-existent. So for all three people that are regularly reading: take off, you hosers!

Interesting tidbit: A coworker was reading the blog today and asked me why I kept posting things that had nothing to do with the title. I told him that I felt that a non-sequitur or two tends to lighten the discourse.

Then he asked me if non-sequitur was a country.

I told him he must have been thinking of Ecuador.

"Oh", he replied.

Of course, he also likes to wear jean jackets with jeans, in what I playfully like to dub his "Hill-Billy Tuxedo". Crazy little guy*.

*There. Happy now? Stop bugging me.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Did someone say dogs? 'Cause that's what we're having for supper!

Here is an awesome picture of my dog, Hudson.

Sure, he looks great now. That's cause he's gonna crap on those flowers.

Look! Some Guy!

There's not that much really...

I wanted to try to start a new thing.

Something obscure and original, like quoting The Simpsons constantly used to be before everyone else started doing it. Something that could be called my thing.

Then I started quoting Emiril all day.

Unfortunately, I quickly found out that there is just not a great wealth of Emiril material to choose from when searching for an applicable quote. I spent much of the day pretending to brush my teeth and hoping someone would ask "What are you doing?" or "How does that imaginary toothpaste taste? Does it make you feel like quoting anyone?" No one ever did.

So anyways, Emiril sucks. Bam.

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then I guess I like eating Panda Soul-windows

Do you realize that Pandas have only a three day window for them to mate? Seriously, does God want Pandas to die? What the hell did Pandas ever do to God?! I mean, we killed his son and our dangly bits can go all year. (except for New Years! Sorry, Ladies!) There's no justice.

I've been having a bunch of requests from my brain (Thanks for the suggestion!) that I should post some of my recent reviews of new music releases (so recent in fact, that I'm making them off the top of my head!). So here they are:
  • Gwen Stefani, Love Angel Music Baby

Big props to Gwen for finally revealing what I've been wondering ever since Faith No More asked the age old question, "What is it?"

Apparently, It's Bananas... B-A-N-A-N-A-S (Holy Crap, I actually just had to sing the song in my head in order to remember how to properly spell bananas. DAMN YOU GWEN STEFANI!!) Who'd have thunk it.

  • Foo Fighters, On Your Honor

Well, we can be certain that it isn't Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's honor; she's retiring. Plus, I see that she has already ruled against the former in the case of 1 albums worth of passable material vs. 2 albums that only my friend Brian likes*.

*Justice Ginsberg wrote the majority decision citing "lack of awesomeness". The dissenting opinion came from Justice Scalia who based his opposition upon the point that "Best of you" is "totally still kickass, in my opinion".

  • Weezer, make believe

Who has two thumbs and thought that this album was great? Pretty much everybody, including some primates*.

*my friend Brian, once again.

  • Nine Inch Nails, With Teeth

Because no one understands teen angst better than a 40-something millionaire.

  • The Killers, I'm also full of angst!

They sound like they're British, but they suck like they're American!

  • Coldplay, A bunch of letters

They sound like they're British, and that's all I can recall before I woke up sobbing, bleeding out on a tile floor*.

*Was it a "mosaic" tile floor? Yes, it was!

This Awesome picture of my dog is so awesome!

I have this great 8x10 of my dog that I have pinned up next to my desk. What a great picture of a dog.

Picture the archetype of the greatest dog in the world, put a kickass bandanna on him, then have him pose in a stoic, yet inviting, pose surrounded by fauna so exquisite and green that to capture it on film would be to sin against god. It is that great a picture.

I'm thinking about turning it into one of those motivational posters and distributing them around the office. This picture is way more inspiring than any bubbling brook, sunset, eagle, or combination of the three that I've ever come across.

So on that note, here are some alternative phrases for the inspirational posters I hope to soon pepper the walls with.
  • "The Journey of a Thousand steps starts with Looking at an Awesome Dog Picture".
  • "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do right after you look at this awesome picture".
  • "When life gives you lemons, throw them in the garbage and look at this picture".
  • "Do not ask what this awesome dog can do for you, but what you can do for this awesome dog".
  • Tomorrow is another day where you can look at this dog".
  • "Inside every dark cloud is a silver lining where there should be a picture of this awesome dog".
  • "The grass is always greener on the other side, except in this picture where the grass is so blindingly inspirational it is like the light from a thousand suns".
  • "Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how long you've spent looking at this great picture of my dog".
  • "Man, that is one kickass picture of that guy's dog! I feel pretty damn inspired..."
  • "Hang in there! Or I'll eat you like I did that cat that had been clutching to this clothesline".
  • "You don't have to look at this picture of my dog to work here, but it helps".
  • "Working hard, or looking at this inspirational poster of a dog?"
  • "...And when you saw only one set of tracks, it was then that I stopped to look at this awesome inspirational poster".

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


Recently, I was asked at work to respond to questions regarding some of our business practices for a coworker who happens to be taking his MBA. As it may already be apparent, I become somewhat lost when attempting to decipher advanced business jargon. However, I was able to synergize my assets, correlate my paradigms, and eventually, through proactive means, do nothing productive at all. What follows, in its entirety, is what I did instead. Enjoy.

A. Internal Elements:
i: Does the company have high level marketing champions?

Until recently, our company was lacking high level marketing champions. Our marketing forces were besieged from forces from within and without. At this point, we were forced to travel to a far off village where it had been foretold that a humble farmer would become the champion we were seeking. Through extensive practice of grammar, adventure, and DTR reports, this humble farmer became the high level marketing champion whom was born to lead us. Unfortunately, he was fired 3 months ago for theft of company property*. Currently, we are making do with the services of a level 22 Elfin Druid** until the position can be filled.

* A (+4) Charisma “Leadership” Plaque. The one with the eagle from the upstairs bathroom.
** Kardokk, from receivables.

ii: Does the company have an internal structure and processes conducive to CRM (Customer Relationship Management)?

Our company’s internal structure and process is designed to be enigmatic and impenetrable by the layperson, but succeeds in being completely enigmatic and impenetrable to the trained professional.

As far as I can tell, the process goes like this: The customer enters a location and conducts his or her business transaction. Customers are then shuffled into another section where they are forced to read terrible magazines* and watch terrible television shows* for several hours. At this point, digestion is completed and the customer is secreted from the location. He is handed a flyer with a coupon good for $5.00 off his next visit.

*Power Cats, Magazine Enthusiast.
**Country Music’s Worst Drivers!, Power Cats: The TV special

iii: Does the company have an appropriate (or any?) value proposition for its customers?

Our company does not have an appropriate value proposition. I should also note that our Employee Handbook states that under no exception are employees to proposition our customers. However, our inappropriate value proposition for our customers is $50.00, unless they are either (A) very pretty, or we are (B) very lonely*.

*also (C) wanna get all up in that, yo.

iv: Are the company’s employees motivated towards and knowledgeable about CRM?

Our employees, when not currently looking up the meaning of the phrase “Customer Relationship Management”, are amongst the most knowledgeable and motivated as it pertains to our CRM. Sometimes they start becoming so knowledgeable and motivated towards the CRM that industry awards sometime appear spontaneously out of nowhere* and rain down on all of us, showering us with the benefits of hard work and diligence**

*The Sponty.
**Soft Tissue Injuries.

B. External Elements:
i: Does the company have clearly distinguished and well formed customer acquisition and retention strategies in place?

Our company does have a clearly distinguished and well formed customer acquisition strategy, so much so that we tend to ignore our regular customer acquisition strategies.

The first prong of our clearly distinguished and well formed customer acquisition strategy is to seek out anyone wearing a monocle; this person is clearly distinguished* as it were, and worthy of our attention. Our second prong is for us to physically grope individuals until we can get a handle on how well formed they may be. Soft and supple equals sales, as I always say. The third prong is invisible**.

*we will also accept people who use the phrase “as it were”.

ii: Do other companies within their channel of distribution add to or distract from customer value?

As most educated people know and that is confirmed through repeated viewing of television shows such as Cops and CSI: Miami, the channel of distribution almost always ends in a tanned man in a white suit who is almost always the last one you’d suspect if you hadn’t already graduated from prenatal care. As far as it pertains to customer value, Cops hasn’t really been able to hold a viewership for a decade and CSI: Miami makes CSI: New York look like CSI: Las Vegas*.

*Ooh, Snap!

iii: Does the internet play a role in customer value in this context?

According to a recent internet poll by the esteemed pollsters at Zogby (Motto: Polls? You’re soaking in ‘em!), people on the internet are not particularly interested in doing polls. In fact, it seems as though most of the internet is dedicated towards medically enhancing our polls, making them bigger, stronger, and capable of larger samples; a poll that could be waved in our competitors faces, shaking their spirits and their polls to the core of their being*.

The question of customer value on the internet is one that is obviously of deep concern to our company. The importance of this issue is displayed upon entering each store. At any point in time, several or sometimes all employees are busily engaged in internet research; dedicated employees determined to gauge customer value by checking to see how crazy-loco Tom Cruise is now, or to see the latest video of a cat falling off of an ottoman. We are leap years ahead of our competitors in this; the latest aspect of the electronic age**.

*Delicious nougat.
**31, but looks 27.

Interesting Facts about my Body

I went golfing today. An enjoyable sunny afternoon punctuated by brief bouts of humiliation caused by this hilarious new quirk that my body seems to have developed without my knowledge. You may ask how this could have happened without my knowing? Me, whose total control over my primary functions is paramount and key to my continued existence? Me, whose body serves but one master, yet is occassionally usurped by the forces of KFC and my own rebellious innards?! Yet, though I may try, this is the one predicament, amongst the countless many I may lay at its feet, that cannot be blamed on KFC (Ooh...I hate you KFC. So much. No wait. Don't go. I love you. Come back. We can watch Ghost together.) . As a brief aside, who decided that they should run KFC ads after KFC closes? Don't they know how good chicken looks on TV? Hell, I start salivating watching animated characters eat. There is a special place in hell for whoever dreamed up that idea.

Continuing on... During the apex of each swing, my wrist would come out of socket. Uncomfortable and debilitating, yes; more importantly, it played major hell with my backswing. So...For all those who witnessed my limp wristed play, let me start by saying that I'm all man despite what you might have heard otherwise, and that next time I'll bring a wrist with an undislocatable stomach (Har!).

Kind of on the same note but not really: What the heck happened to Gordon Lightfoot? It's called Live 8... about how old he looked and was boring 8 (Same goes for you too, Neil Young. Don't think I didn't see that either!) Looks like we need untwistable stomachs and brains all around! Northern Lights Forever, Bitches! Ooh...snap! Ow. Freaking wrist...

The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

I'd like to take this opportunity to immortalize a quote from a friend of mine in the off chance that he ever becomes seriously involved with a lady. Ahem.

"Until I lose some weight, I think I'm going to have to lower my standards".

Comedy gold. You had better hope I die before I propose a toast at your wedding. Or that you lose some weight. But to be honest, I'd think you have better odds on the whole dying thing.