"I need these as soon as possible..."

Having been asked by my boss to come up with some clever little 5 to 15 second announcements for a recent monster truck promotion, I set to work coming up with them. What follows is the transcribed account of my extraordinarily quick descent from bored to snarky to nutter-butters.

Most names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Several of these announcements were used at the event, try and guess which ones (Here's a hint: Not the one about yo mama).

Announcer: ------------- asks, what would Monster Trucks be without the big tires… Probably about 6 feet closer to the ground! --------------, Your -------------- Dealership, is proud to be the sponsor of the USHRA Monster Jam.

Announcer: -------------- wishes to remind you of our excellent 24 hour road service. Just in case you happen to drive over anything… like a Volkswagen.

Announcer: Every year they are reduced to blackened rusted heaps, with nothing but the smell of burnt fuel to remind us of their previous years use. Is that really anyway to treat your BBQ tools? While supplies last, ------------ and -------------- are giving out 21 piece stainless steel BBQ sets with the purchase of any 4 Tires.

Announcer: -------------- wishes to remind the audience that even though their tires may be a little smaller, they don’t feel the need to make up for it with a huge truck.

Announcer: ----------- wishes to remind the audience of the old adage, if it’s too loud, you’re too old. Then we wish to take a nap and have some pudding.

Announcer: ----------------- is proud to bring Monster Trucks to Nova Scotia. Unless we found out that they were real monsters. Then we would be sad.

Announcer: -------------- is proud to present the opposite of what we strive to uphold; vehicles running over one another until one is left crushed and mangled.

Announcer: ------------- does not condone the use of larger vehicles to run over smaller vehicles, but does admit that it looks pretty cool.

Announcer: -------------- is proud to present the majestic Monster Truck Rally: A brutal stinking crushing allegory for modern life.

Announcer: --------------- is proud to be all up in the USHRA Monster Jams face as its presenting sponsor. Boo Yeah!

Announcer: --------------- is proud to present sound and fury, signifying nothing; with apologies to Shakespeare.

Announcer: --------------- is proud to stick a hot lead pipe of entertainment up your ass, then to cruelly suggest that you enjoy it.

Announcer: --------------- is proud to present an event so loud that the airplanes taking off might call up and complain! Fucking Airplanes.

Announcer: ---------------- is proud to announce an event so hot that you might want to just step away and let it cool down for a little bit. I said let it cool down! See? Now that’s why you burnt the inside of your mouth.

Announcer: ----------- is proud to present an event so huge it makes your fat momma look like one skinny bitch.

Announcer: ------------ is proud to present something that will haunt your dreams from now until the day that you die.

Announcer: ------------ is proud to present the greatest evil the world has ever known…then to just walk away, sobbing sadly.

Announcer: ------------- is proud to present the epitome of human grace, perseverance, and spirit: Monster Trucks.

Announcer: -------------- is happy to present a slightly overcast day with an 80% chance of awesomeness! Whooo! Snap.

Announcer: -------------- is proud to present these two sexy bitches wrestling! Shit… Whaddya’ mean there’s no bitches? The fuck you wake me up for?

Announcer: I’m afraid I don’t have any paper for this sponsor. Rest assured, they must the best at whatever line of work it is that they do. Huh? -------------? Oh…they suck.