Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Most Interesting Phrase Without Context That You'll Hear Today

Courtesy of a coworker:

"I have no concept of mayonnaise."

Thanks a bunch. Next!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I'm smiling next to you in silent lucidity.

Just to clarify.

Did you know that my girlfriend says the craziest shit when she is half-asleep?

For your benefit (and also because I hate to not document for myself an exchange this priceless) here is the exchange that occurred this evening around midnight as I am crawling into bed:

"Good night, honey" I said.

"Night" she mutters.

"Can I get a kiss?"

"Do you have anything on your lips?"

"What?" I said confusedly, "No."

"Oh yeah, you do..." she says angrily and begins to snore.

My love for her is like a fountain that is replenished daily with brand new crazy-ass shit.

Saturday, August 13, 2005


We were watching the Harry Potter films and I asked Erin, "If you could turn into any kind of animal, what would it be?"

"A unicorn" she replied.

Yup. A unicorn.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I guess, if I had to say, it was probably the worst poo ever.

And unless you are looking for more of the same, you should heed my advice.

Never eat 3 mozza burgers in one day.

Unless you want to know the noise a toilet makes when a million fine brown granules ricochet off of a porcelain surface; Unless you'd like to know what it's like to hear a toilet screaming in pain.

Plus, it's impossible to give birth to something like that and not turn to witness the monstrosity.

Before me lay a swirling vortex of color and sensation; A porcelain canvas, splattered with this, my greatest work.

I saw a soggy brown hell tonight, and I named it "Asshole", after his mother.

Rejected names for the Movie Review post...


Things that have no scent.

You Must Love Must Love Dogs! Or else...

How the west was won and where it got us.


These could have paid for several new hospitals operating budgets!

You, the reader, made me put on pants. Jerks.


Sticky floors that are not in my apartment.

You suck, but I love you.

Once more into the breach!

Movies are great! Just not these ones.


My opinion counts for more because I'm smarter than you!

This is the first post of what I hope will become a regular feature on the blog. Reviews of movies I've recently seen. Let's see what I've punished my brain with recently.

The Devil's Rejects
A heartwarming romp about family, it's tribulations, and how it can come together. Plus, it's a snuff film.

Shining Moment: A spectactular cameo by former WWE and WCW star, Diamond Dallas Page, as a piece of dried up leather.

Sucking Moment: What? No Dr. Satan?

March of the Penguins
Although I have not actually seen this film, I feel qualified to review it because I own a plush penguin and re-enacted the plot in great detail. The film is soft and cuddly.

Shining Moment: When I made the penguin walk across the bed while I made penguin noises (Eek! um...Eek!).

Sucking Moment: When the penguin got into a threesome with Batman and a GI Joe*.

Fantastic Four
More like the Fantastic Bore! Ooh...take that, Commish!

Shining Moment: It has the word "Fantastic" built right into the title!

Sucking Moment: The title is misleading.

Must Love Dogs

Another heartwarming love-story featuring the boyish charm of the roguishly good looking John Cusack, who has managed to make a career out of never changing his expression. Plus, as I've never seen the film, I assume it somehow involves beastiality.

Shining Moment: It has dogs in it.

Sucking Moment: That part where everything goes wrong for the burgeoning couple through a hilarious misunderstanding that is cleverly brought to a resolution by (Please Choose One:) A: A car-chase, B: A taxi-cab rush to the airport, C: A breathless run through the city and park area searching for each other. May somehow involve dogs.

From the creator of Akira, comes this coming of age story about a boy in a mens bath-house.

Shining Moment: You can think about how awesome Akira is (Tetsuo!!!!!!!!!!!).

Sucking Moment: When our young hero graduates from Steamboy to Fluffer.


T-Shirt slogans I would make if I could...


This is not a t-shirt.

I liked having sex with chicks before it was cool.

Did you go pee or are you just happy to see me?


My penis is like wet bread.

Hockey players are still overpaid.

Marketing associates can market all night long.

I worship a 2000 year-old carpenter.

Jesus is my hogey (A picture of a pita, with Jesus inside it)

Front: High-Five! Back: I don't wash my hands!

You ever worn a t-shirt...on weed?

You sucked your mother's tits.

Front: I'm hung like a horse Back: A seahorse.

I watched professional wrestling back when it was still called gay sex.

This slogan epitomizes my beliefs.

This is my wipe-up shirt.

Classy! Sassy! Gassy!

What a great fuckin' dog (With kick-ass inspirational picture of my dog on front).

Front: Look at the back of my shirt and you'll see god. Back: See, there's nothing. What an awesome metaphor.

Front: If being gay is wrong... Back: Then I guess George Bush was right.

Front: Let's fuck! Back: TO THE EXTREME!!!!

Ask me about comic books.

Northern Lights forever, Bitches! (A picture of a thugged up Gord Lightfoot and Ann Murray).

Like cheese, I get better with age. Plus, I stink.

Oh, it's too hot today.

Hot to trot (With picture of horse).

You're a bigger Star Trek fan.

Episode III was terrible.

Emotional virgin.

I came in a broken home (picture of someone humping a dollhouse).

I'm hiding my fat. Badly.

Front: If you can read this... Back: You're ready for The Devinci Code.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Awesome things to do with a power ring (according to Erin).

Everyone knows that Green lantern possesses the most powerful weapon in the universe.

A weapon, fueled by willpower, able to do essentially anything the wielder desires.

I just asked Erin for her suggestions for the best uses of a power ring; here they are:

1) World Peace

2) Stop Global Warming

3) End Hunger and Child Poverty

4) Cure for Aids and Cancer

5) Cure illiteracy

See, this is exactly why Erin (or a Miss World Finalist...or an eleven year-old) would make a crappy super-hero.

I asked her how in the hell was a power ring going to cure AIDS or illiteracy?

"You can use the power to make someone so smart that they can cure it or give someone all the money in the world so that they can cure it."

Awesome. Hard to argue with that logic. Sounds like a Judd Winick comic (That means it's terrible, wink).

Still better than my ideas*.

*Two words: Cock Ring. How awesome would that be? Especially if it could produce enormous boxing gloves.

Things that you know have happened to you but are too ashamed to admit.

EDIT: I guess some clarification is needed here because of some weird looks I've gotten from my fiancee. Most of these things happened to Rob and Poul or some combination of a person resembling Rob and Poul. They are simply gracious enough to not check the site often enough to know that they get made fun of here often. And with that cleared up, onward ho!

Farted, then pooed a little...at dinner...specifically, a buffet...then went back for more.

Wanted to pleasure yourself, but were too lazy...at noon...on a Sunday.

Slept so long that you got tired...and a sore back...then had to take a sick day.

Read the first ten pages of a book...included it in your lists of books you've read...ask people if they've read it...then feel good about yourself when they haven't.

Picked your nose in an elevator...worried about camera's...then played with your balls.

Professed your admiration for a friend's girlfriends' boobs...to his brother.

Check the toilet paper to gauge your butthole cleanliness...or to see if it made a design...of the Virgin Mary.

Kissed a really ugly girl...discussed at length how putrid she is...pleasured yourself for five years.

Said that a movie was cool because your friends thought it was...that movie was Dodgeball.

Pinched the end of your penis while peeing...just to see it make a balloon...then let go to see how far it would spray...at a friend's house.

Heard your parents having sex...while masturbating...and not stopping.

Pleasured yourself to a cartoon character*...on a show for twelve-year-olds.

Went on a pity date because you were hungry and/or bored...then pleasured them orally.

Peed in a closet...pooped in a chair...acted non-chalant and outraged when you heard that someone could do something so vile**.

Measured your penis...that's enough.

Fluffed it before peeing at a urinal...tried to show it off to the guy next to you...saw his instead...were still disappointed.

Had stage fright while peeing at a urinal...then shook your penis and pretended that you had peed.

Had the terrible realization that at some point you stopped looking cool-sloppy...and just fat.

Looked at your own ass in the mirror...and you are a man.

Told your most embarrassing story...and lied.

*Jessica Rabbit doesn't count, Bitches! That was PG-13, or at least I, I mean somebody, hopes it was...wait...same goes for that chick in "Cool World"...and the Pink Ranger...this might need a whole new topic.

**Earning yourself the subtle nickname, Midnight Shitter.

What sound does a soul make as it disappears?

A whisper.

Today I created an ad that showed a set of tire treads across a snow covered field.

The caption: "And when there was only one set of tracks, that was when I carried you."

I was selling tires. With Jesus.

A new low...or a new high?

You decide.*

*Just kidding. I know you'll all think it was kick-ass. Heathen bastards.