Sunday, September 18, 2005

What is George Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

He doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Ads that would be better if they had dogs in them.

Feminine hygiene products:
Hudson could stick his nose in their crotch and then make a head turned unhappy face with accompanying "Hmm?" noise (or he could just barf).

Hair Gel:
Hudson could have a bunch of dippity-doo dumped all over his fur, completely immobilizing him. An announcer says "Now that's great hold". Hudson looks sad, then barks.

An ad for a Bingo hall:
A series of Bingo numbers is called by a very old looking woman, she is interupted by a loud, and adorable, bark.

Close up on Hudson, drooling happily, one paw draped lazily over his bingo card. He barks once more.

The tagline: "Anybody can win! Including Dogs!" (Hall does not actually permit canines).

Tag Body Spray:
A series of well-dressed men walk past Hudson, who is sitting calmly on a sidewalk.

Suddenly, Hudson lunges at the crotch of an unsuspecting passerby; a blooming red stain is seen opening up on the crotch of the well-dressed man, as Hudson vigorously shakes his head from side to side.

The tagline: "Tag will make your crotch irresistible." Hudson barks, adorably.

And I'm done!

Really dredging the pits now, aren't I?

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Poor Denzel

Now that we've had another major catastrophe, will they no longer be able to show the movie The Hurricane on TV?

Or, considering the fact that the press has been told that they will not be able to cover some elements of reconstruction efforts, are they already not allowed to show the hurricane on TV?

A movable feast.

A friend recently had the misfortune, or luck, depending on how you look at it, of purchasing a defective hamster.

Instead of the pristine, unimpregnated, thumbsized rodent that he so desired (foregoing the responsibility required of dealing with a single mother), he got this knocked up bitch*.

So he had several options, enjoy the added company of the pitter-patter of an extra 48 little feet, or save some money on feeding the mother for a little while.

He opted for the former.

In tribute for this selfless act, and because I was fortunate enough to name the mother (Squeak Wiggins), this post will endeavour to name her brethren. Feel free to submit your own. They don't know what the hell you call them anyway. They're rodents; the shittiest pets in the word that is not a fetid pile of shit and mealworms.

  • Shit-for-Brains
  • Vince MacMahon
  • ChickenFuck
  • Hampster Dick
  • Hurricane Katrina (In memory of the hampsters that died when they were not given timely access to floating spinning wheels)
  • AFV (Because it's awesome, plus then that gerbil might be able to do tricks!)
  • Scott Stevens (In memory of that time when he turned Eric Lindros into a sports broadcaster)
  • 9/11 (Because I guarantee that someone already has named either their baby or their dog this in hopes of getting on CNN)
  • Dirty
  • Smelly
  • Scott Stevens II
  • Rusty Trombone
And Finally.....
  • Fucking rat thing.
Question of the Day:
I know that gerbils and hampsters are different things. Do I care?


*I don't know if that's what you're supposed to call female gerbils. It just seemed like a bitch.

A Correction.


It's hard to find the words to say I'll just say it.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose is boring.

Truly awful stuff.

No matter what you heard; avoid.

Nothing funny here, fellas. Just terrible disappointment.

New Low

"Things that make you go vroom!!!"

Yep, that's the title of my last company website update.

Today, the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, I was thinking of putting a picture of a couple of tires as well as a wreath together with the caption, "Lets Roll!"

Too soon? Needs more flags?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Movies? You're soaking in 'em!

Fuck you.

I've been busy.

We'll start off this weeks installment with (Shit! I'm a little rusty...) of "Hey, that's my asshole!", or as it is commonly known "It may look like an asshole, but it is actually the newest Terry Gilliam movie and this is the portion of the article where his film is ridiculed".

The Brothers Grimm has a lot to like about it. There are numerous funny noises and bright flashes that could keep a dog entertained for hours. In fact, had my dog been allowed in the theatre, this could have been an entirely different experience!

Imagine, Hudson and I, roaming up and down the aisles, snorking down bits of dropped popcorn and Milk-Duds, playing my panicked version of "what the hell did the dog just eat?", and watching Hudson launch himself at other patrons groin's like some kind of furry testicle-seeking guided missile.

Plus, the whole time I could be enamored with the rich visual tapestry that Terry Gilliam has hung, like salted and decaying pig-entrails, upon the silver screen; His rich vision of the Grimm fairy tales befouling my sight, like coming upon the murder scene of something you once treasured.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid that my dog did not attend this film with me, and as a whole, the film was somewhat less enjoyable.

Essentially, the film needed a plot... A Burial Plot!


Shining Moment:
We were late so we missed the ads at the beginning.

Sucking Moment:
We weren't so late as to miss the entirety of the film.

Sucking Moment 2:
Little Red Riding Hood's cloak was found, like, thirty feet up in the goddamn trees. So the wolf can freakin' fly? Hunh? Assholes.

Really Sucking Moment:
Magic FUCKING Beans. Seriously?

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

If The Exorcist met The Ring and had a baby, it'd be really cool.

Shining Moment:
The parts that were like The Exorcist and The Ring.

Sucking Moment:
The parts that were like The Exorcist II and The Ring 2.

The Man

The Constant Gardener
Ralph Fiennes stars in another critically embraced "tour-de-force" (Literally, tour of force. Wait, that can't be right.) that I will never watch. Ever.

I been able to discern that it features someone (or something! That would be awesome. If it turned out that this was really the newest AirBud movie and in this movie he becomes a gardener and has to take his mismatched, ragtag group of gardeners, headed by the sour oldest member of the gardening club, played by Fiennes, to the state championships, where Fiennes meets a single mother, played by Rachel Weisz, who adopts AirBud for her precocious 11 year old, played by my girlfriend, and AirBud teaches the sour Gardener that gardening isn't just about championships but also family and so he marries the single mother and in a clever twist, a dog that we saw very early on and that we could tell was up to no good because it did this thing with his eyes is later seen frolicking with Air Bud who is then revealed to be pregnant, and eventually AirBud dies, but we learn things.).

Ahem. Sorry.

In a nutshell, it is a film about someone constantly gardening, like my grandmother*.

*when she isn't constantly watching Grumpy Old Men. In fact, I'd be more likely to watch a movie called Constantly Watching Grumpy Old Men. Here is a sample of dialogue from my script proposal (soon to be a major motion picture, from Fox).

Old Man 1: Hey, is that Grumpy Old Men?

Old Man 2: (Dies).

Old Man 1: Heh. That feller sure is funny.