Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The big Steven King Book review post!

I've been meaning to do this for a long time (about fifteen minutes ago), so let's get started!

Message: Don't fuck with ugly chicks.

Rating: C+

Some people think that this story is just about some crazy ass dog. These people are stupid.

Rating: B-

Some people think that this story is just about some crazy ass car. They're essentially correct.

Rating: D

I can barely remember reading this, and that's probably for the best.

Rating: D- (Plus the movie had Drew Barrymore! And that was in their favour!)

Tommy Knockers
I thought that this was about this guy named Tommy who kept getting the shit kicked out of him. It turned out that it was about pop machines who murdered people. So we'll call it a draw.

Rating: C+

The title refers to the page count. It seems that Stephen's legendary verbal diarrhea stalled somewhat on this installment. I suggest you eat the pie.

Rating: D+

The Talisman (See also Black House)
Only 50% percent King, only 50% good.

Rating: C

The Gunslinger
Worst. Opening. Chapter. Ever. Although it does have a bird that has a name vaguely like a GI Joe character.

Rating: D-

The Drawing of the Three
That's what I'm talking about! Finally a reason to read the pretentiously bad first installment of the series.

Rating: B+

The Waste Lands
Oh, Blaine! You crazy Mono. Won't you ever learn when a door is not a door?

Rating: A-

Wizard and Glass
My personal favourite. The thinny. The Big Coffin Hunters. In his voice he heard two things; youth and truth. Oooooohhhh...I get chills. In my pants.

Rating: A+

Wolves of the Calla
Forgettable, but gets bonus points for having Dr. Doom in it.

Rating: B-

Song of Susannah
Susannah can't sing for shit.

Rating: C-

The Dark Tower
"Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came...and it was crap".

Rating: C

The Dark Half
I loved this book because I always pictured George Stark as Razor Ramon. And Razor Ramon kicks ass.

Rating: B+

Stupid Kyle can't finish a friggin' book. Otherwise, the first 100 pages could be the most action packed he's ever written. Also, cell-phones suck.

Rating: B-

The Stand
If you've ever dreamed of a guy who looks vaguely like Elvis reaming some guy in the ass with a handgun, wait no further!

Rating: A (but not because of the handgun reaming portion, at least, not all because of it)

Almost like a Ronald Dahl book, but with more kid sex. But not too much more.

Rating: B+

Needful Things
I need some things. Like more Stephen King Novels! Whooo! Also, he describes a hard-on as a branch, and I can totally see that.

Pet Cemetary
People shouldn't play God. Or live next to a highway.

Rating: A-

The Eyes of the Dragon
Dollhouses are awesome. Same goes for the King's iron. Huh, huh.

Rating: A+

That's all for volume one of this new ongoing series!

Stay tuned next time for reviews of such books as Delores Clairborne (hint: it sucks).

Oh Baby!

This one time Rob was at staying at a cottage with his family.

You should probably know that Rob has a large family.

You should probably know that Rob has an awesome snoring problem.

Oh, and a voraciously decadent sexual imagination.

And he talks in his sleep.

Suffice to say that the family was awokened by the following outbursts:

"Oh Baby (snrgghhhhh)!!!!!"

"Oh Yeah (snort, srghhhh)!!!!!!"

"Oh, Baby, Yeah (grghhhhh)!!!!!!!

His dad tried to buy him his own separate cottage, but they were all sold out.

And that, my friends, is the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.

The Music Post: Or "Everything Old is New Again...and Crappy."

Will this be the year that popular music takes me back into their sweet loving arms?

What do you friggin' think?

Red Hot Chili Dogs, Stadium Arcadium
Now I can appreciate a band who doesn't give a shit about putting the same album out every few years. That's the reason I bought it in the first place!

Pearl Jam, Pearl Jam (Subtitled: Pearl Jam)
These up and comers sound much like this band I used to like. Except with throat cancer.

Nelly Furtado, Loose
Didn't she just have a baby? Oh... I'm not doing that joke.

Busta Rhymes, The Big Bang
Christian Scientist have been up in arms about this album, stating "Jehovah" this, and "Jericho" that. Oh wait, he probably means something about sex. Well, either way, I bet Christians are pretty upset.

Shakira, Oral Fixation Vol II
Huh Huh, huh...heh.

Nickelback, All The Right Reasons
Money? Yeah, it's probably money. Oops, sorry. Money-eaghhhhh!

Pussycat Dolls, PCD
The album is named after the strange new venereal disease you can get by sleeping with the members of the pussycat dolls. Get tested.

James Blunt, Back to Bedlam
Bedlam. That's just what I think of when I think of James Blunt.

Nick Lachey, What's Left of Me
Dude, you suck.

Toby Keith, White Trash with Money
At least he's honest. And Gay.

My favourite song on the Pearl Jam album is the one that sounds like U2. And that's saying something.

It is saying that U2 sounds better than Pearl Jam.

So there.