Friday, March 30, 2007

RARGH! Rob, Smash!

Rob spent the night on my couch in the basement after a particuarly raucous Friday night.

He was gone when I woke up but not without leaving me a small token of appreciation for my hospitality.

I awoke to find that the door to my basement had a large, bear-sized hole where there once was only wood.

It appears that Rob, upon awakening in the night with an urge to urinate, found himself struck with a thorny problem.

Here he faced an insumountable barrier, made of wood and a locking mechanism too complex for his liquor-addled brain to grasp.

With a mighty roar, he charged through the obstacle. Shaking the splinters off his Guns and Roses T-shirt, he grunted his approval as he looked back at the destruction his passage wrought.

So anyway, Rob owes me a door.


I'm finding it hard to write tonight because I am chaperoning a dog orgy.

Or at least trying to.

I have two female Labs here and a Male Golden Retriever.

The Male is humping both of them (with little success, I should add, due to his complete lack of male parts).

One of the females is humping the other female.

It's like a dog version of Wild Things.

The only difference is that Rob isn't here, touching himself.

The Generation Gap

I was taking Erin's parents and assorted other family through our new house the other day.

Our house is old and is filled with interesting nooks and crannies in every room.

Her family nodded approvingly as I pointed out the various features of the home.

We were making our way to the basement when I heard her mother exclaim "Oh, you have a glory hole!"

"Pardon me?"

"A glory hole!" She clapped her hands together, "My sister and I use to play in them all the time when we were little girls!"

I shrugged.

"We used to spend hours in that thing..." She looked up dreamily.

"Uh, Yeah, " I continued, "We'll probably want to keep the kids out of the glory hole."

Sound advice, I think.

The Fabulous Return of the Movie Blog!

Why is it Fabulous?

Because 300 is in it (and 300 is pretty gay).

So, with the obligatory 300 gay joke out of the way, let's do it to it!

Blades of Glory

This movie is about a bunch of vampire hunters who took part in the American Civil War. Starring Matthew Broderick and Wesley Snipes.

Here is a snippet of sample dialogue from the film.

Col. Robert Gould Shaw: I've got a funny little moustache... and lots of conflicting emotions!

Blade: Rargh! Me too!

Col. Robert Gould Shaw: (Shyly) I like your sword.

Blade: Grrrr... I like your sword too.

Guy that Morgan Freeman Played: Can't you too just admit that you love each other?

Soft Music Plays...

Just kidding! This is really about what would happen if Napoleon Dynamite met Anchorman and they gave each other blowjobs.

Shining Moment:

Less Gay than 300

Sucking Moment:

But not by much... (Okay so I couldn't help it with the 300 jokes).

Dead Silence

Just say the title out loud.

Now picture trying to sell this concept to a group of investors.

Investor: Sounds pretty stupid. Whaddya gonna call it?

Screenwriter: Okay. (Pauses and takes a deep breath) Dead Silence.

(A hearty and deep round of laughter)

Investor: (wiping tears from his eyes) Ha, man, you're SO fired.

Shining Moment:

The part where I remember I have Puppetmaster on DVD.

Sucking Moment:

The most wooden acting since Keanu Reeves in whatever his last movie was. Maybe it was Dead Silence. Who cares... Nobody. That's who.


Some say that Eddie Murphy lost out on the Oscar because of the concurrent release of his decidedly non-award worthy Norbit. But I blame it on Vampire in Brooklyn*.

Shining Moment:
The Oscar Worthy acting chops of Eddie Murphy and Embittered American Idol Loser.

Sucking Moment:
Imagine how much better it'd be if Martin Lawrence was in it! In a fat suit!

A piece of sample dialogue...

Beyonce: I'm the star!

American Idol Loser: Pfft. Tell that to my Oscar.

Big Momma from Big Momma's House: Oh, Snap!

Danny Glover: I'm getting too old for this shit.

*In fact, I blame everything on Vampire in Brooklyn! Sore throat? Vampire in Brooklyn! Erectile Dysfunction? Oh, you better know that that's Vampire in Brooklyn! The film Vampire in Brooklyn? Vampire in Brooklyn.

The Wind That Shakes The Barley

The movie that makes me fall asleep*.

Shining Moment:

The barley was pretty nice.

Sucking Moment:

Until it got all windy and terrible.

*Alternates include: The Title That Is Really Boring or The Hand That Rocks The Cradle... amongst the barley.


I didn't bother to go see this movie because I had a feeling it would suck.

Oooh! I should write a screenplay!

Shining Moment:

It turns out that Doctor Doom was behind the whole thing!

Sucking Moment:


It doesn't really turn out that Doctor Doom was behind the whole thing.

Whoah! I need a break. Tune back in soon for more reviews... and even more jokes about 300!

One more from Erin

My fiancee has a long history of spewing the most nonsensical hilarity when she is sleepy (or wide awake).

The other night we had just gone to bed and I asked how she felt about some, uh, how do you say... intimacy.

She turned to me.

"That sounds like a great idea" She smiled perkily, "You should bring it to the brainstorming committee meeting tomorrow and we'll discuss it with everyone".

Then she turned over and went to sleep.

Awesome. Just... wow.

More Goofy Shit from Erin...

I just heard this riveting tale from Erin.

A homeless person came up to her and a friend at a bus-stop.

The homeless person shuffled around for a moment.

She turned to Erin and her friend and asked "Can I have some money?"

Erin and her friend were unmoved.

The homeless person adds "...For city cleanup?"

Erin gives her five bucks.

She stuffs the money in her pocket and shuffles away.

Erin turns to her friend.

"I don't think she's going to use that money for city cleanup..."

Well, duh...

Grand Theft Auto: For Realz

I was in San Francisco recently and I was able to do a little sightseeing.

My fiancee, Erin, and I were taking a stroll from the market district to Fisherman's Wharf. The walk was long and we decided it would be a great opportunity to try out one of those famous cable cars.

It was a sunny day in San Fran and the line up was packed with smiling tourists and excited kids. We lined up in the queue and waited as the trolley pulled up.

We were the last two to make it on the trolley and we made our way to an open section of floor where we could stand and look out the window at the beautiful sights of San Francisco.

It was just then that I remembered where I recognized this place from!

Grand Theft Auto! The city was completely identical.

I whispered this over to Erin, but she couldn't hear me over the buzz of the trolley and its assembled guests. She shrugged quizzically.

I shouted over the rabble in order to be heard.

"I said that I stabbed some guy over there!", I beamed, "then I shot a cop in the face!"

The bus quieted down quickly. I gave a reassuring laugh and mumbled something about video games to the driver. We got off at the next stop and Erin punched me in the neck.

I deserved it.

Yeah, that's not it.

A co-worker (and if you've read the blog before you'd probably be able to guess which one) asked me the other day how many beer were in a 2-4 (pronounced two-four).

I thought he was pulling my leg.

"How many do you think are in it?" I quizzed him.

He looked up, calculated for a moment, held up two fingers on one hand and four on the other.

A pregnant pause as he deliberated. He looked down and brought his hands to his sides.

"Six" he said.